I’ve had high-functioning anxiety, insomnia, and ADD for as long as I can remember but I didn’t get a diagnosis or adequate treatment until my life fell apart. I’ve also had sporadic depression and have a childhood sexual abuse, etc. history.

Every report card had some variation of “smart, but always out of her seat and talking”. My saving grace was that I was usually helping other students.

This and other life experiences resulted in my being perfectionistic, having imposter syndrome, and being codependent; the undiagnosed trifecta for most smart, high-achieving women.

Ring any bells?

The cages of emotions and thoughts are some of the worst because they’re interlocking, invisible, and evil, yet common. It’s not unusual to find ourselves in the same one again and again. Your only options are to stay or get out by breaking the walls down with understanding and experience/skills, AKA usually doing the opposite of your first urge in terms of feeling, thinking, and reacting.

Pro Tip: Self-compassion is the magic dust that gets you out of any cage faster!

I remember distinctly in kindergarten my teacher told me one day when my mother was late that I was going to get ulcers. She seemed exasperated. I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded bad! (This was before I honed my skills at keeping my issues camouflaged.)

My anxiety is often a combination of things and announces itself as irritability, restlessness, avoidance, insomnia, a pit in my stomach, compulsive shopping and eating (especially sugar) in addition to feeling and thinking ANXIETY/DANGER 24/7. To get out of my cage, I have to first recognize it in my body or mind, then relax my body. (That’s true for everyone, if you’re trying to get out of anxiety, you ALWAYS have to relax your body first!) When my body is relaxed, I can start dealing with my mind and the situation.

Perfectionism is a particular type of anxiety that tells me if I’m perfect, I’ll be safe. The only problem is that humans are incapable of being perfect and it robs me of any self-compassion and makes me very judgemental in general.

Sometimes I completely forget that my self-worth doesn’t depend on anything I do or don’t do; when I can remember that, the cage starts to break down.

When I’m locked in my perfectionism cage, my sister will say that I think I’m perfect, but the opposite is true. I’m most afraid that you’ll find out just how unworthy and imperfect I am and you’ll reject me forever.

That’s where imposter syndrome kicks in. It makes me feel like everything I’ve ever achieved was just a fluke and my stomach gets sick just thinking about it sometimes. Yet another cage to contend with. I think it might be about my fear that I’m not worthy of my dreams and it’s a subtle way to sabotage myself. When it comes up, I try to remember the quote from Marianne Williamson that I added to the bottom of this post. I hope it resonates for you the way it does for me.

In America, women are mostly raised to be codependent. We are taught to worry about the feelings and needs of others over our own without any messaging about how to balance the two and very little modeling of assertive women that isn’t criticized harshly. Men don’t get the same messaging and standards pushed on them. Don’t get me wrong, they have other crap to deal with that’s just as hard, it just isn’t this crap.

Don’t feel bad if you notice that you’re codependent and boundaries are hard for you. It’s hard for most of us at first and can feel very scary when you start. Pat yourself on the back for being able to see the invisible cage for what it is.

I remember early in my quest to break my codependency cage a relative told me I wasn’t “nice” anymore. At first, it stung. Then, I realized that “nice” was code for codependent and I realized it was sort of a compliment because she noticed that I was changing!

These are some of the emotion and thought cages that I fall into most often. I’m happy to say that with time, I fall into them less often and I get out of them faster. What kind of cages do you fall into? What could happen in your life if you got out?

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; It’s in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.